For as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to make a movie or write a book about my life. I think everyone thinks about doing this... so, I don't feel like that yearning is profound, however, it would probably make for either the best story ever told thus far or the worst.
If I think of it in the very simplest terms, it's incredibly dull and pointless. But, I think that stems from the fact that I'm emotionally over nearly every event in my life. (I know there is a God because I once prayed to not care... and here I am. Not caring.) I would like to explore how I would describe the movie or book about my life... Ever thought about that? Summing up a life.. I think we are supposed to call that a Eulogy, but, for now let's stick with the less morbid terminology, Prologue.
MOVIE VERSION:
"For every moment, for every smell, touch, taste and sound... there with it comes a memory. In the small towns of quiet Mid-West America, a confused, arrogant young girl is drawn into a world of mischief, lies, sex and music. Struggling with being raised by a single mother and a very absent father, Leslie becomes more and more who everyone else wants her to be and less the person she feels inside. Through love and religion she struggles to find her voice. Until one day, everything changes.. a chance to run free.. down a small road in the mountains of Kentucky, she finds exactly what/who she has been waiting for... but, when old habits die hard, will Leslie be able to save the thing that once saved her? Touchtone pictures presents.. A story about Youth... A story about Love... One that shows the depth and frustration of a wild teenage girl and the transformation into a strong fearless woman.... "Already Home" In select theaters Friday!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.
The book version would be similar but, of course there would be an excerpt:
"...I stood there in the middle of the room just staring. Everything was gone, empty. Just a piece of paper telling me when she would be back to get me was the only thing that told me I was ever here. I think I died inside a little that day. but, I didn't have time to cry, I had to hurry outside so no one else could see that I was the only thing left behind... That even the dust was more important than me."
There could probably be a better excerpt but, you get the point.. lol. I don't know, I guess I just find it funny that everyone loves to talk about themselves, and they think everyone else wants to hear it! haha :) Hmm.. Kind of like a BLOG. AHAHAHA :) But, I know the truth, I have had this blog for 2 years now? and have only had 103 page views... and I'm willing to bet at least HALF of those are from me.. haha :)
Anyway, it's very late (or early- one of the two) and I just felt like writing because I can't get to sleep and this was one thing on my mind. LATER STALKERS!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Monday, February 25, 2013
Clarity
Clarity- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity. the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pellucidity: the clarity of pure water.
No need to break this down. I finally understand and have reached the point of absolute clarity on a subject in my life that created a searing hole inside of me. Something I have yearned for my entire life.. clarity. I always thought I needed an answer.. an apology. But, what I really needed was clarity. To be able to see the lucidity of the perception of the other party involved. I finally seen it. and I am set free. Freedom from indistinctness and ambiguity; Indeed.
It started when I was 6 years old, the divorce. I was heartbroken. but, the worst was yet to come. The new family. That I liked, I liked new brothers and sisters. I was heartbroken only because I couldn't see my dad as much. but, at least I still got to see him. For a while. Until he stopped coming around.
No contact for 3 years. Occasional contact to present day. Excuses, like seasons, came and went and changed routinely.
The stages of behavior- The seven deadly sins -so to speak. Denial. It wasn't true, he was coming back for me.. just couldn't find me... he worked too much.. mom wouldn't let him see me. Those were all excuses I used for him. when I quickly went to anger, I turned it inward, to myself. I held on to that for years. And like a stone thrown into water, the ripple effects, were crippling. I was a fireball. Tortured soul. Troubled teenager, rebellious. And that left me a very confused adult. My children, saved my life. But, they couldn't cure me from myself. I needed an answer. an apology. forgiveness. from him. I needed him to forgive me. Excuse me for a minute while I ask, Why the fuck did I need forgiveness FROM him?.
My son took form of the man in my life.. without knowing or even trying, he taught me. I watched him help me be secure as a daughter.. So, I could be his mother. By needing me and loving me unconditionally, I felt wanted, I felt needed. The hole was still there, of course, but, my son made it hurt less. Not a distraction, a true beginning to healing.
Then 6 years later.. I became pregnant with my daughter. My girl. My heart. And even in the womb, she must have seen this proverbial hole. She started teaching me acceptance. And she gave me strength to start to let go.
I was 4 months pregnant when I wrote the letter to my father explaining how I felt. cursing his audacity to point the blame towards my mother. Because as a parent, I knew, there is nothing in this world that could keep me from my children. Come hell or high water, they are mine. I will always have my children with me. It was his fault. not mine, not mom's, not my stepmother/father. Not anyone else's but his.
I said I didn't ever want to see him again. I was done. but, in a moment of weakness, this past weekend I went to see him.
Same old same. he was mad at me. Every excuse in the book.. like a sinner arguing with an angel, he had reasons for his sins.. he was not to blame. And in the midst of this, my reaction had changed in comparison to previous "talks" with him. I wasn't consumed by guilt, fear, too much love for him. I simply didn't want to hear it.
I felt the clarity wash over me. I felt the wound healing and the freedom helping me to let go. to forgive and forget. I was done. and I was whole again. I realized, I don't need him. I don't need him. and I didn't want him. There was no hatred.. no ill feelings towards him. Except in knowing the fact that he gave up something of my favorite man in the world, to which my reaction as I left was keying his shiny new replacement on my way out.
But, I am healed. In that moment of total clarity, I forgave myself for hanging on to lost hope for years. And he seen it too. He knows I'm gone. And what I seen was the passing of the torch. it's a heavy cross to bear dad, that I promise you.
In the end, life has a way of coming full circle. Turning the tables. Letting us be wounded and righting us healing. Clarity. We all get off track some way or another, but, we will reach our path's again one day... But, before we do, a lesson must be learned. a moment of clarity must be reached. After all, the map must be unfolded before we can follow.
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your doll, I know;
And your tea-set blue,
And your play-house, too,
Are things of the long ago;
But childish troubles will soon pass by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your slate, I know;
And the glad, wild ways
Of your schoolgirl days
Are things of the long ago;
But life and love will soon come by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your heart I know;
And the rainbow gleams
Of your youthful dreams
Are things of the long ago;
But Heaven holds all for which you sigh. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
No need to break this down. I finally understand and have reached the point of absolute clarity on a subject in my life that created a searing hole inside of me. Something I have yearned for my entire life.. clarity. I always thought I needed an answer.. an apology. But, what I really needed was clarity. To be able to see the lucidity of the perception of the other party involved. I finally seen it. and I am set free. Freedom from indistinctness and ambiguity; Indeed.
It started when I was 6 years old, the divorce. I was heartbroken. but, the worst was yet to come. The new family. That I liked, I liked new brothers and sisters. I was heartbroken only because I couldn't see my dad as much. but, at least I still got to see him. For a while. Until he stopped coming around.
No contact for 3 years. Occasional contact to present day. Excuses, like seasons, came and went and changed routinely.
The stages of behavior- The seven deadly sins -so to speak. Denial. It wasn't true, he was coming back for me.. just couldn't find me... he worked too much.. mom wouldn't let him see me. Those were all excuses I used for him. when I quickly went to anger, I turned it inward, to myself. I held on to that for years. And like a stone thrown into water, the ripple effects, were crippling. I was a fireball. Tortured soul. Troubled teenager, rebellious. And that left me a very confused adult. My children, saved my life. But, they couldn't cure me from myself. I needed an answer. an apology. forgiveness. from him. I needed him to forgive me. Excuse me for a minute while I ask, Why the fuck did I need forgiveness FROM him?.
My son took form of the man in my life.. without knowing or even trying, he taught me. I watched him help me be secure as a daughter.. So, I could be his mother. By needing me and loving me unconditionally, I felt wanted, I felt needed. The hole was still there, of course, but, my son made it hurt less. Not a distraction, a true beginning to healing.
Then 6 years later.. I became pregnant with my daughter. My girl. My heart. And even in the womb, she must have seen this proverbial hole. She started teaching me acceptance. And she gave me strength to start to let go.
I was 4 months pregnant when I wrote the letter to my father explaining how I felt. cursing his audacity to point the blame towards my mother. Because as a parent, I knew, there is nothing in this world that could keep me from my children. Come hell or high water, they are mine. I will always have my children with me. It was his fault. not mine, not mom's, not my stepmother/father. Not anyone else's but his.
I said I didn't ever want to see him again. I was done. but, in a moment of weakness, this past weekend I went to see him.
Same old same. he was mad at me. Every excuse in the book.. like a sinner arguing with an angel, he had reasons for his sins.. he was not to blame. And in the midst of this, my reaction had changed in comparison to previous "talks" with him. I wasn't consumed by guilt, fear, too much love for him. I simply didn't want to hear it.
I felt the clarity wash over me. I felt the wound healing and the freedom helping me to let go. to forgive and forget. I was done. and I was whole again. I realized, I don't need him. I don't need him. and I didn't want him. There was no hatred.. no ill feelings towards him. Except in knowing the fact that he gave up something of my favorite man in the world, to which my reaction as I left was keying his shiny new replacement on my way out.
But, I am healed. In that moment of total clarity, I forgave myself for hanging on to lost hope for years. And he seen it too. He knows I'm gone. And what I seen was the passing of the torch. it's a heavy cross to bear dad, that I promise you.
In the end, life has a way of coming full circle. Turning the tables. Letting us be wounded and righting us healing. Clarity. We all get off track some way or another, but, we will reach our path's again one day... But, before we do, a lesson must be learned. a moment of clarity must be reached. After all, the map must be unfolded before we can follow.
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your doll, I know;
And your tea-set blue,
And your play-house, too,
Are things of the long ago;
But childish troubles will soon pass by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your slate, I know;
And the glad, wild ways
Of your schoolgirl days
Are things of the long ago;
But life and love will soon come by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your heart I know;
And the rainbow gleams
Of your youthful dreams
Are things of the long ago;
But Heaven holds all for which you sigh. --
There! little girl; don't cry!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Eternal
Time... by definition Time is- The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole..
So, let's break that down, shall we?
Indefinite- On which clock? A mechanical clock or the ever ticking Proverbial clock? Indefinite is without time.. endless or rather; without measure..
We schedule things as humans- Doctor's appointments, School, Birthday party's, Pickups, Drop-offs, Breakfast Lunch, Dinner. Seemingly endless events until the list goes on forever.. Ironically.
Continued- Now, I only mentioned this word because it slightly confuses me with it's placement, but, it seems to have sparked something in me mentally. Now, I do not profess to be a writer or professor. However; to place continued AFTER the term Indefinite seems to be a bit... repetitive AND suggestive.. please correct me if I am wrong but, it is repetitive in the sense that if something is indefinite (without end) continued does not seem appropriate after this word. UNLESS however, they are speaking with the hope of combining life with the after life.. Eternity.
Progress- Sensible word. Human's...well, most of us at least.. progress. We use schedules in our indefinite time to progress... to build, to shape, to learn, to focus, to love... To be. But, to touch on my point... for what? and that is a reflective question.. not a futuristic one. Why have we scheduled, if we had (and have) all the time in the world? if, eternity is included in this. Pre-cursor maybe? put a pin in that. :)
Existence- To BE. To walk, talk, live and breathe.. To join in and add to.. This is to be our foundation... Our ticket to indefinite time. The ENTIRE reason the definition and even the word Time exists. Existence is Time and time is Existence. The same, yet so different... Chiral.
Events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole- Existence. Time.
So in order for me to fit eternity in here, I must mention the soul.. because existence is to time, what eternal is to the soul.. and vice versa. Whether or not we have the same views on what eternity is, who controls it.. we can all feel the soul. Ours, and others. That, I believe, is what connects us, even when we disagree... even in death.
I'm very reflective.. some may say I live in the past, which is to be argued ;) but, I prefer to consider myself reflective, because I learn (for the most part) greatly from my past. We all do. One must reflect to progress.
So, I ask, do you have a soul definition for time? what does time mean to you specifically... in a range of reflection.. don't look forward for this answer, look back to find it. Look at your thoughts, actions... existence to tell me how you have defined time. I don't need a text book answer.. just thought. And does knowing or maybe even realizing how you have defined time, change how you intended to define it in the future?
For me I would say yes, it does. because I am learning but, then on another thought, I would say no.. I would say there is no way for me to understand how to define it in a future sense.. because I am not there.. how would I? I am not there. How would I not? Time. Schedules. It's a funny and confusing thing isn't it? How we could continue to ask questions, eternally.. Continue may actually be our foundation here.. or at the very least our proverbial basement.. lol. The place we store things to work on.. to mend... to break... to share.. to love.. to come back to.. the eternal procrastination..
Either way, there are many ways we can define Time and Eternity for ourselves.. Many things we could schedule to help us on our journey to be fulfilled. But, it can be blinding.. like staring at the sun.. something we can feel but can't exactly describe what it looks like because we can't get close enough.. Then again, maybe, that is exactly what keeps the clock ticking.....
So, let's break that down, shall we?
Indefinite- On which clock? A mechanical clock or the ever ticking Proverbial clock? Indefinite is without time.. endless or rather; without measure..
We schedule things as humans- Doctor's appointments, School, Birthday party's, Pickups, Drop-offs, Breakfast Lunch, Dinner. Seemingly endless events until the list goes on forever.. Ironically.
Continued- Now, I only mentioned this word because it slightly confuses me with it's placement, but, it seems to have sparked something in me mentally. Now, I do not profess to be a writer or professor. However; to place continued AFTER the term Indefinite seems to be a bit... repetitive AND suggestive.. please correct me if I am wrong but, it is repetitive in the sense that if something is indefinite (without end) continued does not seem appropriate after this word. UNLESS however, they are speaking with the hope of combining life with the after life.. Eternity.
Progress- Sensible word. Human's...well, most of us at least.. progress. We use schedules in our indefinite time to progress... to build, to shape, to learn, to focus, to love... To be. But, to touch on my point... for what? and that is a reflective question.. not a futuristic one. Why have we scheduled, if we had (and have) all the time in the world? if, eternity is included in this. Pre-cursor maybe? put a pin in that. :)
Existence- To BE. To walk, talk, live and breathe.. To join in and add to.. This is to be our foundation... Our ticket to indefinite time. The ENTIRE reason the definition and even the word Time exists. Existence is Time and time is Existence. The same, yet so different... Chiral.
Events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole- Existence. Time.
So in order for me to fit eternity in here, I must mention the soul.. because existence is to time, what eternal is to the soul.. and vice versa. Whether or not we have the same views on what eternity is, who controls it.. we can all feel the soul. Ours, and others. That, I believe, is what connects us, even when we disagree... even in death.
I'm very reflective.. some may say I live in the past, which is to be argued ;) but, I prefer to consider myself reflective, because I learn (for the most part) greatly from my past. We all do. One must reflect to progress.
So, I ask, do you have a soul definition for time? what does time mean to you specifically... in a range of reflection.. don't look forward for this answer, look back to find it. Look at your thoughts, actions... existence to tell me how you have defined time. I don't need a text book answer.. just thought. And does knowing or maybe even realizing how you have defined time, change how you intended to define it in the future?
For me I would say yes, it does. because I am learning but, then on another thought, I would say no.. I would say there is no way for me to understand how to define it in a future sense.. because I am not there.. how would I? I am not there. How would I not? Time. Schedules. It's a funny and confusing thing isn't it? How we could continue to ask questions, eternally.. Continue may actually be our foundation here.. or at the very least our proverbial basement.. lol. The place we store things to work on.. to mend... to break... to share.. to love.. to come back to.. the eternal procrastination..
Either way, there are many ways we can define Time and Eternity for ourselves.. Many things we could schedule to help us on our journey to be fulfilled. But, it can be blinding.. like staring at the sun.. something we can feel but can't exactly describe what it looks like because we can't get close enough.. Then again, maybe, that is exactly what keeps the clock ticking.....
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