Clarity

Clarity- clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity. the state or quality of being clear or transparent to the eye; pellucidity: the clarity of pure water.

No need to break this down. I finally understand and have reached the point of absolute clarity on a subject in my life that created a searing hole inside of me. Something I have yearned for my entire life.. clarity. I always thought I needed an answer.. an apology. But, what I really needed was clarity. To be able to see the lucidity of the perception of the other party involved. I finally seen it. and I am set free. Freedom from indistinctness and ambiguity; Indeed.

It started when I was 6 years old, the divorce. I was heartbroken. but, the worst was yet to come. The new family. That I liked, I liked new brothers and sisters. I was heartbroken only because I couldn't see my dad as much. but, at least I still got to see him. For a while. Until he stopped coming around.
No contact for 3 years. Occasional contact to present day. Excuses, like seasons, came and went and changed routinely.

The stages of behavior- The seven deadly sins -so to speak. Denial. It wasn't true, he was coming back for me.. just couldn't find me... he worked too much.. mom wouldn't let him see me. Those were all excuses I used for him. when I quickly went to anger, I turned it inward, to myself. I held on to that for years. And like a stone thrown into water, the ripple effects, were crippling. I was a fireball. Tortured soul. Troubled teenager, rebellious. And that left me a very confused adult. My children, saved my life. But, they couldn't cure me from myself.  I needed an answer. an apology. forgiveness. from him. I needed him to forgive me. Excuse me for a minute while I ask, Why the fuck did I need forgiveness FROM him?.

My son took form of the man in my life.. without knowing or even trying, he taught me. I watched him help me be secure as a daughter.. So, I could be his mother. By needing me and loving me unconditionally, I felt wanted, I felt needed. The hole was still there, of course, but, my son made it hurt less. Not a distraction, a true beginning to healing.

Then 6 years later.. I became pregnant with my daughter. My girl. My heart. And even in the womb, she must have seen this proverbial hole. She started teaching me acceptance. And she gave me strength to start to let go.

I was 4 months pregnant when I wrote the letter to my father explaining how I felt. cursing his audacity to point the blame towards my mother. Because as a parent, I knew, there is nothing in this world that could keep me from my children. Come hell or high water, they are mine. I will always have my children with me. It was his fault. not mine, not mom's, not my stepmother/father. Not anyone else's but his.
I said I didn't ever want to see him again. I was done. but, in a moment of weakness, this past weekend I went to see him.

Same old same. he was mad at me. Every excuse in the book.. like a sinner arguing with an angel, he had reasons for his sins.. he was not to blame. And in the midst of this, my reaction had changed in comparison to previous "talks" with him. I wasn't consumed by guilt, fear, too much love for him. I simply didn't want to hear it.

I felt the clarity wash over me. I felt the wound healing and the freedom helping me to let go. to forgive and forget.  I was done. and I was whole again. I realized, I don't need him. I don't need him. and I didn't want him. There was no hatred.. no ill feelings towards him. Except in knowing the fact that he gave up something of my favorite man in the world, to which my reaction as I left was keying his shiny new replacement on my way out.

But, I am healed. In that moment of total clarity, I forgave myself for hanging on to lost hope for years. And he seen it too. He knows I'm gone. And what I seen was the passing of the torch. it's a heavy cross to bear dad, that I promise you.

In the end, life has a way of coming full circle. Turning the tables. Letting us be wounded and righting us healing. Clarity. We all get off track some way or another, but, we will reach our path's again one day... But, before we do, a lesson must be learned. a moment of clarity must be reached. After all, the map must be unfolded before we can follow.


There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your doll, I know;
And your tea-set blue,
And your play-house, too,
Are things of the long ago;
But childish troubles will soon pass by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!

There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your slate, I know;
And the glad, wild ways
Of your schoolgirl days
Are things of the long ago;
But life and love will soon come by. --
There! little girl; don't cry!

There! little girl; don't cry!
They have broken your heart I know;
And the rainbow gleams
Of your youthful dreams
Are things of the long ago;
But Heaven holds all for which you sigh. --
There! little girl; don't cry!